(Happy) New Year.

its a new year or some shit. almost. great times. i dont see anything changing. i dont see anything happening that will be different but o well. my mother finally "cares" she called my phone and said, "you better call me back". fuck you. why the hell should i? its been like 3 months since ive heard from her. so i dont even care. i went to church last night. it was one of the weirdest experiences ive ever had. david asked if he should love the devil because its one of gods creatures and i thought the lady was gonna stab him. then she said i, "have a prophets eyes", creepy weirdo. then she made a lil sense though. she said i have dreams and one day ill use them. kinda creepy, but coincidental cause just recently ive been trying to direct my dreams and remember them through lucid dreaming. o well, maybe i can one day tell the future. heres my first foreshadowing: everyone is going to die. awesome huh?

Princess Is A Zombie.

theres this cat  i know. her name is princess. shes gross. she eats her own flesh. its quite creepy. she has a pink collar and shes kinda balding. i think its cause her mom doesnt feed her, and when she does, she feeds her dog food. im not talkin shit about her mother, but rather how weird princess is. to understand a cat like this, lets go into her daily routine. she starts her day off in the bathroom. she lays in the tub and chews on her skin all day. when shes bored with that she sips water from the bathtub. if thats not cold or fresh enough she sticks her whole head into the toliet for a fresh drink. shes great. she eats puppy food sometimes and then goes right back to her canabalistic ways. shes cool though. she sleeps on me. shes my best friend. even though she is black.

Love Part ll.

i love you like fire loves air.
i love you like a bowler loves a spare.
i love you like cows love hay.
i love you like the sun loves day.
i love you like vets love dogs.
i love you like princess' love frogs.
i love you like owen loves himself.
i love you like books love a shelf.
i love you like teachers love school.
i love you like the fonz loves bein cool.
i love you like snoop loves to rap.
i love you like magellan loves a map.
i love you like dishes love soap.
i love you like catholics love the pope.
i love you like butter loves toast.
i dont mean to boast, but remember, i love you the most.
i love you like feet love socks.
this poem was written for you with love, by me, jewsbocks.

Another Lesson.

maybe i just need someone in my life. someone who i know will understand me. someone who listens. someone who cares. someone who i can talk to. someone who will understand me and be there for me no matter what. maybe what i seek is unconditional, undying love. i need to know that theres no hidden agenda. no motive behind it. no games. i dont think ive ever felt this shitty. so lets blame it on my last relationship. i wont mention any names, because im not trying to hold onto something thats not there. im not trying to guilt this girl or make her feel bad or even give her the wrong impression that i still care. but i dont think its been like this before. i constantly wonder and fear peoples thoughts now. i wonder what people are thinking and planning. its not a good feeling. i just want someone to return the love that i once gave to this girl. she reassured me time after time that she would be there. she told me that nothing would change. she told me she wouldnt leave me or cheat on me. she told me she loved me no matter what. but then come to find out she was fuckin around behind my back. why does shit have to be like that. now she says that we never should have happened. maybe thats true. but before we were together shit was fine. she almost pushed for us to become more than what we were. then when shit became the way it was, she never spoke up. she never said anything. she never told me she wanted to go back to what we were before. dont get me wrong, she tried to have someone else say it for her, and at one point she wrote me a "breakup letter" but never gave it to me. when i finally saw it she insisted that she wrote it out of anger and still continued the relationship. why? why let someone keep going deeper and trying to make something work that was bound to be a disaster from the start? why let someone fall deeper in love with you if you know youre going to break their heart? and why do it like that? if anything she should have said lets be friends. lets go back to what we were. ill still care about you and be here for you but i dont want what we have now. that would have been more bearable than to go out and find someone new and then still act. dont say i love you if youre with someone else. what good is it to lead a double life? one would argue that im not over her yet. that would be the wrong assumption. im over her. i know i cant be with her again, i wouldnt want to for that matter. i dont like how shit ended. if all that wasnt bad enough, she made it worse. she got the police involved, my property got stolen, a lot of people were brought into it. i couldnt even call her when i tried. so what happened to just being friends at the least? why does it have to be like were enemies? i dotn get that shit. so right now i just sit and think. will i ever find someone that i can trust? will i ever be able to completely and fully be myself around people? will i ever not have to worry about what other people are thinking? i hope so. cause this is just stupid. maybe im just taking it harder cause its never happened like that before. who knows. ive played my share of games at others expense. ive not cared when i didnt want to. ive done stupid shit. but ive never intentionally and knowingly tried to fuck with someone elses emotions and feelings. i know that its a line noone should cross. just a certain word or look or expression can change a lot. i know that people can comprehend things differently and that should be respected by everyone. now i know theres people out there that dont give a fuck either way. or even do these things for the "fun" of it. and now i also see that im basicly alone. everyone is with someone now. noone has time. everyone has shit to do in their lives and i understand that. but i wish certain people could make time for their "friends". if any of this shit offends anyone, then i guess maybe it should. im telling it like i see it. the way i comprehend it. so if thats wrong then please let me know. but also know that it is my opinion. and if you do read this: once again, im sorry for the way shit ended. im sorry i did something so bad in your eyes, that all this was necessary. im sorry that i could never treat you how you felt like you should be treated. and i guess most of all im sorry for loving you. obviously you didnt want it or accept it, or even truthfully reciprocate it. im sorry we happened and never shouldnt have. and im sorry for caring. i tried. i guess even when you want something bad enough youre not ensured to achieve it. i suppose if anything, i learned another lesson. maybe it all happened for a reason. now i know to never let myself get to attached to anything. people, friends, possesions. . nothing. people come and go, friends are there when they can be, when its convenient for them. and property turns up missing. you can buy everything you can to make yourself happy, but it wont always be there. maybe its better all this happened. i just dont like the way it ended.

Jail Time.

im goin to jail tonight i heard. im excited. my life of dysfunctional shitty christmas's will continue on another year. i love how a simple bullshit feud between "family" turns into so much more. i guess im the only one to blame. why not, thats who everyone else is blaming. when i think about my life since i moved to torrington, i think about all the trouble and bullshit and drama ive experienced and encountered. sure ive had some fun. ive met some people. i have stories to tell. but the fun ive had was probably at others expense more than mine. the people ive met have either turned on me or just turned their backs. and the stories im telling are mostly negative. its just more to add to my life i suppose. i can say this much. life has never been bad enough that i have to steal neccesities. ive never had to scrape out my change jar for money for cigarettes. ive never had to steal clothing and food and cigarettes and anything else i needed. ive never had to worry about where i can spend the night in the below freezing weather. ive never had to worry about whos coming for me and whos plotting and planning something against me or without me-- until now. i have to worry. is my identity being used? i  have to worry about all these bills that other people have racked up and i now have to find a way to deal with. but i cant even imagine paying them yet. i cant keep a job because of all the bullshit thats been happening. my whole family ( what i have left ) has forgotten about me or used me or become my enemy. its a great feeling. i have a lot to be thankful for. life is great and it just keeps getting better. hopefully its nice and warm in jail.

Friends=Nothing ( I Guess ).

im glad that i can see who my friends are and shit. i guess at first im always nervous to let people know who i really am. i dont want people to get to know me because i cant trust them. when i thought it was all good to finally try it, everything was great- for a lil. now, i dont talk to anyone. noone tries to get in touch with me. noone tries to contact me. its like noone cares. i know everyone has their own lives, and own set of problems, but ive always tried to be there for them. i admit ive fucked up a lot in the past. maybe i was sometimes busy, maybe i sometimes just didnt feel like dealing with it. but at some point i came through. maybe i wasnt there for some people like they wanted me to be. but i tried. it kinda makes me wonder though. i dont want pity, i dont want people to feel sorry for me. i just want them to care. here i am. my life keeps getting worse and worse. the cops are always fuckin with me. i may or may not have a warrant for my arrest. im in and out of the cold winter nights because i technically have nowhere to live. i had a job but my circumstances didnt allow me to keep it. my own mother hasnt tried to call me in over two months. my own brother turned against me. ( twice within a month.) people "i once knew" disappeared. i have nothing. i have noone. id rather just fuckin die. if i knew what was on the other side of death i might already be there. thanks for caring everyone. im glad to know i have yall to talk to. i guess i know who my friends are. everyone else is just out to get me. maybe ill go turn myself in to the police now. yay. life is fuckin great.

I Can Do Bullshit Definitions Too. :)

addict- To cause to become physiologically or psychologically dependent on a habit-forming substance. To occupy (oneself) with or involve (oneself) in something habitually or compulsively.
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poser- a person who habitually pretends to be something he is not
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manipulative- skillful in influencing or controlling others to your own advantage
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self-centered- Engrossed in oneself and one's own affairs; selfish
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gay- Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex.
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personality disorder- Any of a group of disorders in which patterns of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about one's self and one's environment interfere with the long-term functioning of an individual.
_______________________________________________________________________conceited- Holding or characterized by an unduly high opinion of oneself; vain.
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follower- an ordinary person who accepts the leadership of another.
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there ya go uncle fill. i lub you more son. bu buy bu buy. o ya. jesus loves you. im sorry i dont. have fun with coke-face.

Noone.

i once knew a different girl. she pissed me off a lot at first. i told her when things bothered me but she did them anyway. i had a reason for not wanting her to do these things. i wasnt being the jealous controlling boyfriend like she thought. other people got involved in our relationship, other people talked a lot of bullshit. a lot of people. one of these people broke up with her one day, pretending to be me, when i wasnt even home. it pissed me off but i couldnt do shit. then later on, shit got good again. shit was better than when we were going out. i liked it. then she left. i was sad. we still talked. then that started to fade. she came back one time and was mad cause i was talkin to someone new. then we didnt talk at all. she came to visit sometimes, but just not to visit me. one time she called to inform me she slept with someone else and it was great. what happened to all the shit about ill always be here and we can try to make it work if i come back? i knew that would happen when she left. i pulled myself away to make it easier. now she has no time for me at all. she cant even call me. shits going on in her life. i think ive been there for her for the most part. she doesnt want to be there for me. its okay though. ill have to rely on myself like i used to. fuck talkin to people. noone has time or energy to talk to me.

Whales Are Gross. Have A Raptor Day?

umm i dunno. people are funny. they say things like noone fucked you over and shit but then again im the person who is missing quite a bit of my property. im very sad it all came to this. the fact that when i call this certain person she acts like shes fuckin 6 years old. i never did anything to this person but she acts like i fucked her 12 year old sister. .  o wait. . nevermind. but anyway i forgot her name and number like i was instructed to. and one more thing: HFOIHSONVIOPHEPIOFPJF!!!!! thats also what i was told. buuuuubye! buuuubye!
<--- that reminds me of someone. i dunno who.