Another Lesson.

maybe i just need someone in my life. someone who i know will understand me. someone who listens. someone who cares. someone who i can talk to. someone who will understand me and be there for me no matter what. maybe what i seek is unconditional, undying love. i need to know that theres no hidden agenda. no motive behind it. no games. i dont think ive ever felt this shitty. so lets blame it on my last relationship. i wont mention any names, because im not trying to hold onto something thats not there. im not trying to guilt this girl or make her feel bad or even give her the wrong impression that i still care. but i dont think its been like this before. i constantly wonder and fear peoples thoughts now. i wonder what people are thinking and planning. its not a good feeling. i just want someone to return the love that i once gave to this girl. she reassured me time after time that she would be there. she told me that nothing would change. she told me she wouldnt leave me or cheat on me. she told me she loved me no matter what. but then come to find out she was fuckin around behind my back. why does shit have to be like that. now she says that we never should have happened. maybe thats true. but before we were together shit was fine. she almost pushed for us to become more than what we were. then when shit became the way it was, she never spoke up. she never said anything. she never told me she wanted to go back to what we were before. dont get me wrong, she tried to have someone else say it for her, and at one point she wrote me a "breakup letter" but never gave it to me. when i finally saw it she insisted that she wrote it out of anger and still continued the relationship. why? why let someone keep going deeper and trying to make something work that was bound to be a disaster from the start? why let someone fall deeper in love with you if you know youre going to break their heart? and why do it like that? if anything she should have said lets be friends. lets go back to what we were. ill still care about you and be here for you but i dont want what we have now. that would have been more bearable than to go out and find someone new and then still act. dont say i love you if youre with someone else. what good is it to lead a double life? one would argue that im not over her yet. that would be the wrong assumption. im over her. i know i cant be with her again, i wouldnt want to for that matter. i dont like how shit ended. if all that wasnt bad enough, she made it worse. she got the police involved, my property got stolen, a lot of people were brought into it. i couldnt even call her when i tried. so what happened to just being friends at the least? why does it have to be like were enemies? i dotn get that shit. so right now i just sit and think. will i ever find someone that i can trust? will i ever be able to completely and fully be myself around people? will i ever not have to worry about what other people are thinking? i hope so. cause this is just stupid. maybe im just taking it harder cause its never happened like that before. who knows. ive played my share of games at others expense. ive not cared when i didnt want to. ive done stupid shit. but ive never intentionally and knowingly tried to fuck with someone elses emotions and feelings. i know that its a line noone should cross. just a certain word or look or expression can change a lot. i know that people can comprehend things differently and that should be respected by everyone. now i know theres people out there that dont give a fuck either way. or even do these things for the "fun" of it. and now i also see that im basicly alone. everyone is with someone now. noone has time. everyone has shit to do in their lives and i understand that. but i wish certain people could make time for their "friends". if any of this shit offends anyone, then i guess maybe it should. im telling it like i see it. the way i comprehend it. so if thats wrong then please let me know. but also know that it is my opinion. and if you do read this: once again, im sorry for the way shit ended. im sorry i did something so bad in your eyes, that all this was necessary. im sorry that i could never treat you how you felt like you should be treated. and i guess most of all im sorry for loving you. obviously you didnt want it or accept it, or even truthfully reciprocate it. im sorry we happened and never shouldnt have. and im sorry for caring. i tried. i guess even when you want something bad enough youre not ensured to achieve it. i suppose if anything, i learned another lesson. maybe it all happened for a reason. now i know to never let myself get to attached to anything. people, friends, possesions. . nothing. people come and go, friends are there when they can be, when its convenient for them. and property turns up missing. you can buy everything you can to make yourself happy, but it wont always be there. maybe its better all this happened. i just dont like the way it ended.